Water Slide/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Since the beginning of time, men have tried to do things that didn't always make sense or were seen as pointless and foolish and really, really dumb. Well, keeping this tradition in mind, we welcome you to a new kind of television show. Well, you know, in a way, well, it may seem like that, but we're not here to criticize, and maybe you should consider the same approach. It's time for "the red green show," starring my own uncle since birth, red green! Thank you very much, and welcome to the show. And, uh, thank you for tuning us in as you zap through the channels in hopes of finding something better on. Uh, we certainly appreciate the opportunity. Yeah, we had a heck of a time up at the lodge this week. Uh, we built ourselves our very own waterslide. And, you know, speaking of waterslides, harold, come on over here. Harold is the producer and director of our show. They tell me has some sort of a sense of, uh, production and also he has this machine that does things. Oh, you mean this. [ keyboard clacking ] it's a video-effects machine. It enables me to go to pretaped segments if I deem it desirable, if not essential. It's a team effort to do a show like this. And, actually, building the waterslide was a team effort, too. We all had to dig right in, pitch in, and work together. Excuse me, uncle red, you know, you got to remember sometimes that a break is just as important as the work itself. Now, I realize you're just about to tell this wonderful story about the waterslide, but as your producer, I might suggest that you just sort of go on to the next segment, right? And that way, you can have a break. Let me show you. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I've got a terrible headache, I've had it all day ♪ ♪ it throbs, and it pounds, and it won't go away ♪ ♪ I got it from driving that van of mine ♪ ♪ I'm either gonna have to start wearing a seat belt ♪ ♪ or slowing down for the speed bumps ♪ ♪ hmm ♪ ♪ hmm ♪ ohh. Not now. This week, uh, in the "handyman corner," uh, we're gonna show you how you can repair these little, uh, annoying nicks and cracks and stone chips and what have you in your windshield. They have a new product out now. It's kind of a liquid glass, silicone kind of a deal. Uh, but before we get to the silicone liquid glass, there's a few steps that you have to take. For example, take the crack that's in the windshield, and you have to isolate it by, uh, punching a hole at each end of the crack so that the cracks won't -- won't spread. All right, uh, now, what's happened here is we've -- we've actually created a few more cracks. So, uh, we have to now isolate them by, uh, putting holes at the end of those cracks. Uh, and -- and -- and so on. All right, uh, I seem to have all the -- all the cracks isolated so that the remainder of the windshield will still be safe. Uh, now what we do is we, uh -- we take this belt sander and we have to rough up the edges of the chips of, uh, glass so that the silicone will stick to it. All right, I seem to have created, uh, a bit more of a problem here, so we have to kind of abandon the, uh, silicone liquid-glass kind of a solution, and we have to go with another way to solve our problem using the handyman's secret weapon, uh, duct tape. All right, well, uh, we put the duct tape to kind of hold her in place there. We just want to tap it in to make it kind of be watertight. The rain will get in there sure as -- sure as heck. Now, so, uh, there we go. Uh, clean as a whistle. No cracks. Perfect visibility, and, uh, you get the added benefit of the fresh air and ventilation coming at you while you're driving. And, uh, any of the downside of this particular repair job is more than offset by my auxiliary windshield. So, uh, that's how easy it is to do your own windshield repairs. I would highly recommend some sort of safety goggles when you're breaking the glass, though. So, until next time, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Wait a minute. They've got a crack in them. Don't go away. Uh, I've got a story to finish and a show to finish. Uncle red's stories always finish the show for me. Wa-a-a! "it is autumn, Halloween. "I follow the path of the pumpkin. "first, it's a jack-o'-lantern. "then it's a pumpkin pie. Would have tasted better if we'd taken out the candle." so, anyway, as I was saying, uh, we wanted to build this waterslide, and first thing we needed was the slide part, and, boy, those things are expensive. So, uh, what we did was we went out at night, and, uh, we just stole animal-feed troughs from farms in the area. What the heck? You know, I mean, animals having a place to eat is not near as important as us having fun. And, besides, them farmers are all on government subsidies anyway. Uncle red, I don't think you can justify trough theft by saying it's just for fun, nor taking a cheap shot at the poor farmers of this great country. It doesn't do much for your image. And I'll admit, I'm disappointed in you, uh-huh, speaking as your nephew. It's just a story, harold. Well... All right. We didn't steal the feed troughs. We found them on our own property...Eventually. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe farmers aren't getting government subsidies. Maybe the alfalfa crop paid for those cadillacs. I don't know. Anyway, uh, we attached the troughs all together using the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape -- and then we ran the chain of troughs from the roof of the lodge all the way down to the lake. Boy, that sounds great, uncle red. Way to go. That sounds like a lot of work. Break time! [ keyboard clacking ] now, why would I want to take a break now, harold? Because basically you're a kind person. We're out here on location with, uh, my good buddy, uh, dougie franklin right here and his amazing monster truck. Dougie, how are you today? I'm, uh -- I'm fine. Thank you very much. I'm glad to hear it, 'cause you know, doug, last time we were here, doug said he'd take us for a little spin in the truck, and, uh, well, we're kind of excited about it. So today's the day. Here we are, doug. [ clears throat ] well, last time, when I made you that offer, red, I had my license, and I'm afraid it's been -- it's been suspended for a while -- just a while. Oh, my gosh, dougie, what happened? Uh, get a speeding ticket? Uh, run a red light? Have an accident? What was it? Yeah. Oh, you had a bad day. Well, I did. I was, uh -- I was caught doing about 60 mile an hour down the sidewalk. Took out a red light, and actually I took out the pole that was holding it up as well, sighs and I had a slight altercation with, uh, a few automotive vehicles. A few? Nine of them. Nine vehicles. Nine cars. [ speaks indistinctly ] oh, my gosh. Was anybody hurt? Well, that's the -- if there's an upside, that'd be the upside. Fortunately, nobody was hurt. They was all parked, all nine of them in a row, at one of them bmw dealerships. "bimmers," I think they call them. Oh, my gosh. You ran into nine bmws? No, imelda here, she doesn't run into nothing. I ran over nine bmws. But, fortunately, uh, god bless her, I just got a little scratch on the bottom of my oil pan. When you're mounting one of those bmws, you know, up the side, the sunroof has a tendency to flip up on you, and that's what happened. Sunroofs come up and actually -- it's right under there -- scraped my oil pan right up. Oh, for gosh sakes. Yeah. But it's okay. I hope you're insured for all this, doug. Well, I was insured, uh, but, uh, not anymore. I called the insurance company, you know, moments after. Uh, got a friend's mobile phone in imelda there. Called them, and that insurance salesman, he was down there in just a matter -- he must live right nearby. He was a perky little fellow. He was right down there, and a couple of minutes later, this insurance adjuster, I think they call them, he come in tow, and I guess probably about, oh, just a matter of minutes after he was there, this crowd started gathering around, and, uh...You know, as I said, there's a good side. You've got to look on the bright side. And the bright side of this was I got some great publicity out of it. And, uh, I learned something. You know, everything is -- it's a big experience in this life, and I learned something. I learned that, uh, for example, them poles that hold up the stoplights, they hold up a lot more than a stoplight. I'll tell you that right now. They hold up, uh -- they also hold up the streetlight. They hold up power transformers. And they also hold up enough cable there -- enough to power up the entire downtown core. I'll tell you that. And there's one funny thing I found is it just -- it's like -- it's like a dream, but I can remember the funny thing -- you know them bus shelters? You hit one of them at 60 mile an hour, and when they explode, they make kind of a poppin' sound. Just like a bang, and it was just all over. The funniest little sound. It's a weird, weird thing. You learned a lot. I did. You do learn that there's a downside, but there's always an upside. That's what I'm saying, I guess. Best of luck to you, doug. Thank you very much. I appreciate that, red. Thank you. Dougie franklin, uh, a man who's a little wiser. I am. Not -- not too much wiser, but a little wiser. Well, you got to take your bumps. That's what I'm doing here, sitting on this baby, and I can't driver her nowhere. Nine bmws, eh? [ sighs ] yeah. I'll tell you, I learned something else, too. People don't like them yuppies too much. They were -- they were applauding when they looked at them things wrecked. Yeah. I guess it just goes to show you, you drive one of those, alls you're doing is telling everybody how much money you got and how little everybody else has, you know? Well, you rose above them, didn't you? I certainly did. I rose above all of them... And over them and down the other side. That's the important part. That was. I come out ahead. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there's a time in the evening when everything is still ♪ ♪ when the moon's doing things that the sun never will ♪ ♪ it's a magical time that's good for your soul ♪ ♪ and someone makes an incredibly rude noise ♪ ♪ and brings you back to reality ♪ I said I was sorry. You killed the fire. Oh, uncle red, I hope you're ready for today's mail, because we got some interesting questions. Better put on your thinking cap. They're really deep, and we want some deep answers. All right, uh, 50 fathoms. [ laughs ] 50 fathoms. That's funny. [ laughs ] 50 fathoms. That's really funny. 'cause I said some deep questions, so you said, like, a deep answer, because that's how, like, they measure the depth of water, bodies of water, with fathoms. [ chuckles ] 50 fathoms. That's -- [ laughs ] I'm gonna write that down. Uncle red, that's one of your better ones. Fathoms. 50 fathoms. How do you spell "fathoms"? Just read the letter, harold. I should probably read. Don't make me kill you. All right. Um, letter number one. "dear red, what is the meaning of life?" all right, uh, harold, I'd like to answer that question in two parts. Who knows? And who cares? Excellent. That's -- that's really deep. That's fantastic. That's -- that's great. It's very -- well, what do they say? It's like, um, existential. Who cares? That's existentialism. Or is it, uh, alienation -- confusion? Is it confusion more so -- next letter, harold. The next letter. All righty, here we go. Letter number two. "dear red, do you think we should teach the bible in school?" well, harold, as you know, uh, I read the bible a great deal, with the amount of time I spend in motels. And, uh, I find that the bible has a great deal to say to, uh -- to young people today, even 20 centuries after -- after it's written. I think young people should read the bible, and they should enjoy it. It has a lot to teach them, and it has some tremendous insights into life. So, no, I think you should keep it out of the school system altogether. Excellent. Direct and to the point. Wonderful, uncle red. Okay, letter number three. "dear red, sometimes I stand alone "on the top of a hill at night "and stare up at the stars for hours and hours, "marveling at their beauty and complexity. "and then suddenly I burst into tears and throw up. And I wonder -- are we alone in this universe?" well, I'm not, but it sounds like you are. That was -- that was very nice. It was maybe perhaps a bit insensitive, granted, but it was -- it was direct to the viewer. That's -- that's the important thing, I suppose. Okay, well, that's -- that's very good. Well answered. Thank you very much, uncle red. [ chuckles ] fathoms. [ chuckles ] [ film projector clicking ] red: Something a little bit, uh, different for you on this "adventure with bill" this week. Gonna show you about signaling. What that thing there is some sort of a smoke, smog bomb. Bill, you know, goes just a little bit too far. And if you inhale that stuff, apparently, uh, it can kill you. However, these are the chances you take. And this is a big mirror. He's gonna -- oh, thank you, bill. Thank you. And then he -- you know, this is real bright, you know, in every way, and, of course, he -- and now bill can't see where he's going, and -- [ glass shattering ] whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Well, you can even signal with pieces of a mirror, apparently. But, luckily, we brought the sunglasses with us. And here are some other things you can signal with, like a lady's hand mirror and, uh, a butcher knife, which isn't a bad idea to have around when bill's there. Mirror off my van. This is a little lighter. And, uh, I guess that's a -- that'd be a frypan there, and this is a bust of elvis. You don't have too many of those, but they got the silver sunglasses on him. You can signal with those. And, uh, a can of -- oh. Geez! I should have said an empty can is probably better. Boy, that spaghettio can really stick to you, huh? And then there's the whistle. But -- bill, bill! [ whistle blows ] oh, oh, oh, is that loud. Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh. [ coughing ] and elvis has left the building. Now, these are some, uh, signal flags. I think you get more signaling out of what's coming off his underarms than you do out of the -- out of the flags. Bill's a kind of unusual human being, isn't he? He can almost fly, I would think. His head is light enough. Oh, oh, oh! Look, out, look out, look out. Ah, serves him right. And then he had something -- I-I kind of liked this. This is a signal kite. You put "s.O.S." on it, and then you send it up, and I guess a plane flying over or maybe somebody looking up into the sky seeing it knows that, you know, at the other end of the string there's somebody in trouble. Boy, is that ever true. So he got her up there, flying up there pretty good. And, uh, she was going out 1,000, 2,000 feet, and all of a sudden, we got a snag, and it, uh -- the darn thing had wrapped itself around the hydro wire. Anyway, you know -- oh, thank you. Thank you, bill. And the idea was -- here's another method of signaling. This is a gun. You shoot four shots in the air. Universal signal. Of course, what we didn't realize was he was shooing right at the hydro wire that had the kite on it. And down she comes, and there's about 10,000 volts there. Oh, oh, oh, oh! Ow! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, my golly. Now here's one that we kind of stole from the indians, using a blanket to signal with, and, uh, the problem here is bill didn't remember where the broken glass was. It's right there, bill. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. But I had some vise grips with me, so we got that out of there. Oh! This won't hurt. Oh. So, he went and got another blanket and put that over the fire, and the idea is you let the blanket kind of sit on there, let the smoke build up so that when you release it, you know, it's gonna give you a real good puff that'll go way up into the air. So we flip her off, and, uh... Well, it wasn't real successful. And, of course, this is because the fire was, uh, pretty well dead out. So we got another fire going, got a real good one going this time. Got another blanket, and, uh, threw that on there, and, again, you let it kind of build up underneath. Uh, maybe we got the fire just a -- just a tad on the warm side. Maybe we needed more smoke and maybe -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Boy, it's a good thing bill knows what to do in an emergency, 'cause he causes a hell of a lot of them. "it is winter -- "a time for quiet walks and peaceful thoughts, "to stare blankly at the gentle snowflakes "as they fall through the naked trees and then to slip and bang your head on the lake." saw a movie from the video store the other day. Oh. Good one? Well, it was, uh -- it was great. It was a time-traveling thing. They had a phone booth, and the guys who get in it, in the phone booth, they can travel to a different time. Oh, that sounds excellent! You ever thought of that? Ah, getting in a phone booth and just traveling. You know, if you had a time machine, what if you would have gone, you know, and you went like 10 million years and came right back to when you were right now, would it be right now, or would it be a different now? It would be the s-- it would be close to the same now. It would be really close to the same now. How close? Really close, but only different. What time would you go to if you could time travel? Uh, I'd go to around 7:30. Today, like, in the future or yesterday or this morning? There's so many. I'd have to think about it. You would have to. You have to be specific. Yeah. But, you know, time flies when you're having fun. Or, as we say...Time is fun when you're having flies. Get it? Oh, it's a bait joke. I'd like apologize to any of the farmers who I may have offended, and, uh, if you'll forgive me, uh, I'll tell you the rest of the waterslide story. Don't go for it. It's a trick. One's still kind of jammed under there. Well, that's one of them small ones. I think they call them a 3 series. Yeah. Yeah, they're just a four -- a four-cylinder job. Kind of sporty-looking, though. They are. They come with, uh -- apparently, you can get real leather upholstery in that model. Although, uh, if you look at it, the, uh, glove compartment is, uh, still shut. I think the manual and everything's right in there like it was brand-new. I think the keys are in it, doug. Oh, I doubt she'll turn over on you there, red. I know we, uh, got a lot of young people watching our show as some sort of a punishment. And, uh, I know harold gets a chance to talk to you, but, you know, that's more of a contractual thing that he insisted on, not that his segment has any real value to it. Now, to my mind, you need someone a little older, someone maybe who's been down the road a time or two to give you young people some advice on -- on growing up. Like maybe you just turned 16, and, uh, you got your driver's license, and you're excited as heck about that, and, uh, next thing you know, you've stolen a car. Of course, you want to go down to the high school and start showing off, doing the donuts and the figure eights in the flower beds there and get her up onto two wheels and through the front door of the school so you can peel rubber up and down the halls. I know that sounds like a lot of fun, but, please, play it smart. Wear your seat belt. So, anyway, uh, you got to picture this waterslide with all the troughs, uh, duct-taped together running from the chimney all the way down to the lake. And, god, we were all pretty excited about it, you know, so, uh, moose thompson -- he was real rared up. He stripped down to his underwear, and away he goes before we'd actually had a chance to put any water on it, you know. I mean, all you could hear was the squealing sound of moose's skin coming off, you know, and, of course, the rest of us laughed. And with moose going first, uh, he soon realized that the, uh, waterslide went almost to the water, but, you know, not quite. So we put another trough on the end there, and we called 911 for moose. And then, uh, buster and stinky had a couple of good runs on it, 'cause we had the water going by then. But it wasn't fast enough for old man sedgwick. So he took off all his clothes, skivvies and the whole deal, and, uh, covered himself with salad oil, right? Well, we were out of french dressing. And, uh, so, I mean, he was really whipping down there, and about 2/3 of the way down, we heard what we hoped was the sound of him breaking the sound barrier. And, uh, he comes out the end of the waterslide, skips four times across the lake, and, uh, lands in the bonfire at the girl guides camp. And, uh, he always makes a bad first impression, anyway. We all decided, though, that the waterslide was too dangerous, and as luck would have it, a minute later it collapsed, anyway. So, uh, live and learn, or just live, you know? Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home tonight, and, uh, I wouldn't mind a back scratch if you're not too tired. Anyway, uh, to the rest of you, thank you for watching, and on behalf of myself and, um...Harold, uh, and all the rest of the gang up here at the lodge, uh, keep your stick on the ice.